|image by Stuart Miles|
X "If I choose adoption....I'll be broken."
This was a misconception of mine. It's also true and false. It was fully my expectation at the time I made my choice that I would function around a broken heart for the rest of my life, like an emotional limp. My choice did break my heart, to be sure. My arms ached for him. My chest hurt. It felt as if my air went with him. I had longed, I had missed, I'd felt loss, but never like this. To write of it now I can still feel the memory of it. I had lost a child. and I felt it. Not just for a few days or weeks or months. I felt sorrow and grief for the first few years and occasionally even still.
I have to say though, there was peace and sweetness to temper the bitter aching from the very start. But as time passed it began to be intermingled with more and more gratitude, peace, joy, until I rarely hurt anymore. I feel deeply when I tell my story but when I cry, don't feel sorry for me! My tears are the gratitude my words can't express! Justin stopped by on his way home and saved me. He was my missionary! My love for him was the only motivation sufficient to make me change. Had God not blessed me with these most difficult trials, I'd still be locked up in anger and pain and darkness, my view so narrow. And I wouldn't know love.
I'm not back to how I was before I placed my son. I'm SO much better! I'm not broken. I'm mended! Somehow, my greatest loss has been more than adequately compensated for. That's nothing but a miracle!
Tamra Hyde, birth mother, UFA board member